hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
