Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
