I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
