It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I would ride that face into the sunset
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
