Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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