I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
