Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
