How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize