I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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