Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
