tequila makes me forget i have legs
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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