I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
