god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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