I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
