just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
