i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
