I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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