Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
