Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize