just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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