I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
