come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
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tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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