highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
