He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
