So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
