I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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