I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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