okay pat passed out under dana's car
accomplished twins. life is a go
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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