We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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