xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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