My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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