Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just tell him i said nine months
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
