I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?