Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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