Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
