I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize