I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
