Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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