I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
