FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I lost the right to judge tonight
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
