Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
