I hate all girls vehemently.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
