When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
