The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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