So drunk, too bad you don't want this
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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