White coat. Heels.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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