she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
