found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
