My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
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The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.