i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
