the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
