I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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