i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
