I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
