I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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