i would punch a child for taco bell
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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