So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
